Sean David Ealy

I can’t remember how old I was. Maybe 10 or eleven. Which would be around my own son’s age, now that I think of it. I can’t even remember what started the fight. All I can remember was my dad was mad and he had said something pretty damaging to my heart.

This was song we played time and time again when I was growing up. A scene that we relived too many times. My dad would get mad about something, usually when he was drinking. I would get mouthy and escalate the situation. Sometimes it got physical. Most of the time the wounds were inflicted by the words from my dad’s mouth.

I was in my room recovering in the aftermath of the storm. The silence around me was almost deafening. The only thing I could think of doing was turning to my bible. Even at an early age, God was a comfort for me. A light in the darkness.

I opened the bible and read the first thing my eyes fell upon. I was reaching, you see. Aimlessly looking for anything that might relieve the pain in my heart. This is what I read:

“I will be a father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” 1 Corinthians 6:18

As I read this verse, it was as if the words were highlighted. Has that ever happened to you? Like the words were brighter than anything else on the page. Anything else in the room, actually. And it was like I heard, even as I read them, the words being spoken inside my heart. That’s the best way I can explain it. And my eyes flooded with fresh tears.

Now, I had never read this verse before in my life. At least not that I can remember. And I had never had this kind of experience before. But the reason why it had such an impact on me right at that moment was because of the words my dad had spoken to me, still hanging in the heavy air of my room.

“You’re not my son. I don’t want you anymore, and you’re not my son.”

You see, even at such a young age God was present in my life. He knew exactly what I needed to hear, exactly at the right time. And he was there for me when I needed him most. Just like a father would be for his son. How kind our God is. How tender with our hearts.

There are many of us who grew up without ever knowing the kind of relationship we were intended to have with our dads. Some men just don’t know how to be present, even when they are physically around. And some dads just aren’t around at all. If I were to base my perception of God on my relationship with my dad, then I would never have been open to what God wanted to do in my life. I would have rejected him just like I grew to reject my dad. I think God was reaching out to me to let me know that he was there, and he was interested in having a relationship with me. Even if my own dad struggled to do so.

Today marks the three year anniversary of my dad’s death. I grew up resenting him, and that resentment stole so much energy from me and hardened my heart for so long. But in my early twenties, God began to bring me through a healing process that eventually restored me from that bitterness I was holding on to, and I was actually able to have a relationship with my dad as I got older. I miss him now that he’s gone. I wish we could have all that time back that was stolen from us. I understand now that I have children of my own that he was a haunted man, scared by his own childhood and by a father who abused him both verbally and physically. Some men are doomed to repeat what they grow up in.

I think I’ll see my dad again some day, and I’m looking forward to knowing him without all the garbage. Nothing is lost for those who believe in God. I’m clinging to this hope.

Since that moment in my room, God has reminded me time and again that he is with me, no matter what. Even when I went through a period of my life when I tried to run away from his love, he was still there. Patiently waiting for me. And when I eventually turned back to him, it wasn’t his wrath or anger that I would face. Instead he greeted me with open arms and tears of joy.

I think this is how we are supposed to be with our own children. Our kids will mess up, and we need to be there for them, not to criticize and point out their failure, but to pick them back up. We need to speak words of life and hope into their tender hearts, and guide them when we can. But sometimes all we need to do is be present. Sometimes that’s the thing they need most.

And know this…no matter how far you feel you’ve gone, no matter what you’ve dealt with in the past, God is present with open arms. He is waiting to whisper those words…

“I will be your father, and you will be my sons and daughters…”

Amen.