Raising boys is a fun, noble and sometimes ambitious calling. Knowing that, as a father, I have the power to help shape our young boys’ hearts, character and minds is a sobering thing.
I’ve learned a lot of things while raising our five boys over the past twenty two years.
Boys are rough, loud and have a way of crashing through life sometimes. They can be adventurous and competitive…and did I say loud? But sometimes they can be tenderhearted and fragile, and even if they don’t want to admit it they will find themselves often uncertain about their role in this world.
How we handle their hearts when they are young will have a tremendous impact on how they engage with the world around them as they grow into men.
Here are five crucial things we need to teach our sons when they are young.
You Are Loved
Our boys first and foremost need to know they are the apple of their father’s eye. That they are indeed a beloved son. Whether or not a young boy has this experience will shape how they see everything else for the rest of their lives.
When boys don’t experience unconditional love at a young age, they will go through life trying to compensate for this missing validation. Some turn to anger and resentment, leading them down a road of bad choices and broken relationships. Some will seek to fill the void with material things, accomplishments or vices. Often these things will lead to addictions or negative behavior as they continue to wrestle with their own identify and self worth.
It’s important that our boys know without a doubt they are loved, that their father is approachable and their relationship is safe. How we handle discipline, how we set limits, how we respond to our own failures and the time we spend together all play a key part in this.
You Are Capable, So Don’t Let Fear Hold You Back
Boys need to be able to test their limits.
My boys will challenge themselves every chance they get. It might be how far (or how hard) they can throw a baseball or making a basket from across the yard (usually backward and on one foot). Sometimes it even means taking on extra math assignments or reading books above their grade level.
I love seeing how they push themselves. Is there risk in some of this? Of course there is, but that makes it that much more appealing to a young boy.
It’s through testing their limits that young boys develop the confidence to face hard things and begin to develop an understanding of how they fit into the natural world. When we try to set too many limits on the risks they take, or become too overprotective, we are teaching them that fear has a bigger place in their life than it should.
Be Wise in the Way You Carry Your Power
As boys grow they will learn that their physical, mental and emotional strength will allow them to accomplish great things. This is how they were designed.
Unfortunately, we have seen too many times how masculine power has been abused and handled poorly. Because this is true, there is a movement in our culture to emasculate our boys and it’s creating an identity crisis.
Instead, we need to teach our boys how to balance their strength, and that being vulnerable and honest isn’t something to be ashamed of.
It’s Okay if You Fall, But You Have To Get Back Up
There is a time in a young boy’s life when he needs his parents to help him get back up again after he falls.
But eventually a boy needs to learn how to pick himself back up. If we are there to pick him up every time, or (God forbid) we don’t ever let him experience the fall in the first place, how will he ever learn how to handle setbacks when he’s older? How will he ever develop the kind of confidence and determination it takes to navigate through life outside of his parent’s home?
As a father, we need to show our sons that falling down doesn’t mean failure. It’s not about how hard you fall, but rather how many times you’re willing to get back up again that counts.
Our Purpose is Found in How we Serve Others
Our young men will hear too often that the only way to find purpose and contentment in this life is to serve themselves. Do what feels right. Find your own truth. Buy this or eat that. The voice of our culture is self serving and nihilistic. Do we really wonder why so many people are miserable and lack empathy toward others? Our children have been programmed to believe this junk since birth.
We need to show our sons that purpose is found in how we serve others. When we pour our lives into others we will find better connection, empathy and self awareness.
Afterthoughts
I don’t believe there is only one right way to teach our boys these lessons. But I do think they are crucial to developing good character and self-worth.
But where do you start?
The answer is right here and right now. It’s never too late to start coaching our sons, no matter how old they are or where we are in our relationship.
Start with love. Get that right and the rest will begin to fall into place.
Sean David Ealy 