Sean David Ealy

Infidelity can be subtle sometimes.

When we think of what it means to have an affair, usually something physical comes to mind.

But can you cheat on your spouse emotionally?

We don’t talk about emotional affairs very often as a culture, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t having an effect on marriages. Here are some numbers to consider (from HealthResearchFunding.org):

• Emotional affairs are 20% more likely to occur in a marriage than physical infidelity.
• 35% of women and 45% of men admit to having an emotional affair.
• 48% of men admitted emotional dissatisfaction in their marriage as the reason they cheated on their wife.
• 3 out of 4 physical affairs by men began out of an emotional affair that lasted for at least a month.
• 60% of emotional affairs start in the workplace.

So what does having an emotional affair really mean?

An emotional affair usually begins as a benign friendship. But when a person begins to put more of their energy into seeking emotional support and companionship with someone outside of their marriage, what started as a platonic friendship evolves into something that can eventually undermine their marriage.

Here are 6 warning signs that indicate you might be having an emotional affair.

Spending more hours at work just to have more time with a coworker.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the company of the people you work with. But when you find yourself spending less time at home so you can have more time with a coworker, it should sound an alarm. Especially when the relationship you are building with your coworker replaces something that your marriage might be lacking.

Hiding the relationship from your spouse

You know something is wrong when you feel like you need to hide a friendship with the opposite sex from your spouse. You erase text messages. You hide your connection on social media. You don’t talk to your spouse about the other person, or you might even get defensive when your spouse asks you about them. If you feel like you need to keep secrets from your spouse, you’re marriage is already at risk.

Going out of your way to impress the other person

Does something about this other person energize you in a way your marriage doesn’t? Maybe you join the gym and try to lose a few pounds. Maybe you’re dressing a little nicer when you know you’ll be around the other person. You smile more. You laugh more. You flirt more. It’s easy to shrug these things off, because they can be seen as typically “accepted” behavior by your peers.

Confiding in things you should only be sharing with your spouse

It feels good to talk with another person. Finding the kind of open friendship where you can be vulnerable and find emotional support is something we all crave. Maybe you’re at a point in your marriage where this kind of emotional connection doesn’t happen. This can leave you searching for validation elsewhere. When you find yourself openly sharing personal things with someone of the opposite sex, especially things related to your marriage, it should be a sign you’re walking a dangerous line.

You can’t stop thinking about the other person

Does this connection consume your thought life? You’re talking about them with friends or coworkers. You’re thinking about them while sitting at your desk or watching the game at home. They even show up in your dreams. Maybe you’ve wondered what it would be like to be with them. The excitement you feel when you think about them may be an indication that you’re getting too close, especially if you no longer feel the same way about your spouse.

Intimacy with your spouse decreases

This is probably one of the clearest signs that something is wrong, although it’s not always one that shows up immediately. In many cases, sexual activity will increase in a marriage while one partner is establishing an emotional affair with another person. But as the emotional pull increases with the other person, it will ultimately lead to less intimacy in the marriage.

Afterthoughts

Guys are not immune to emotional infidelity. While statistics show that men are more likely to have a physical over an emotional affair, I think it’s important to note that a high percentage of these physical encounters were born out of a need to fill an emotional gap. As men, we need to be intentional about fighting for our marriages. This means holding ourselves accountable and putting priority on making sure our marriages stay healthy.

What do you do if you think you’re in an emotional affair?

• Check yourself – is what you thought to be an innocent friendship turning into something more?
• End the relationship immediately.
• Talk to your spouse about what it is you feel you’re missing in your marriage.
• Be vulnerable. Take accountability for your part in the marriage. Listen to your spouse. Pray together.
• Seek counseling if you can’t work through the issues yourselves.
• Don’t go through this alone. Seek out a men’s or women’s group at church that will give you strength and help hold you accountable.

Maintaining a healthy marriage is tough, especially when living in a culture where it’s virtually glorified to be unfaithful. No marriage is without troubles, and it may seem easiest to just give up.

Stay in the fight. I promise you it’s worth it.