Sean David Ealy

We were designed to need other people.

It might seem counterculture to even admit that, at least in the United States. So much of the American ideology is built on individualism and self-reliance. And yet, loneliness and depression continue to be on the rise in this country. We are surrounded by people, and yet feel alone.

So why do so many of us struggle to connect with others?

When our mindset is fixed on serving our own needs, we are blinded to the needs of those around us. Our purpose in life gets rooted in chasing our own desires, wallowing in our own failures and hiding the things from others that we don’t want to be exposed. We teach our children to follow their heart and to not let anything get in their way of becoming who they want to be.

Yet something is missing.

The key to fulfillment is not blazing our own trail. It’s connecting with others and allowing them to shape us along the way. It’s not superficial networking, which only serves our own purposes, but rather engaging with people in a way that is meaningful and authentic. That means putting aside our ego.

John the Baptist may not be the first person that comes to mind when we think about building relationships. The Bible describes him as “radical and wild”, a man perfectly content with living on the fringe of society.

And yet his words recorded in the gospel of John speak right to the core of what it takes to build strong connections with other people.

“He must become greater and I must become less.” John 3:30

When speaking these words, John was of course talking about Jesus. The people wanted to know if John was the Messiah or not, and he answered emphatically that he was only a messenger pointing to the one who would come after him. The humility in his statement is intended to set the right expectations for how the people saw him compared to the Messiah. But it also speaks to a certain mindset that we can all learn from.

John was the superstar of the moment. There were no mega churches back then. No multi million dollar book contracts or podcasts. But for John, the Jordan River was his stage. People came by the throngs to hear him speak about the kingdom of God. He had disciples and followers who likely lived closely with him, and who spread the news about him throughout the countryside. All eyes were on him, but he didn’t let it mess with the perception of who he was. He was grounded in his true identity, his true purpose, and refused to let ego distort the interpretation of where he fit in the lives of others.

When it comes to investing in the lives of other people, ego often gets in the way of true fellowship. When we allow the perception of our own importance to control how we see and respond to the needs of those around us, we sabotage our ability to connect. We become the center of our own story, and there is no room for anyone else.

Chip Gaines might be the opposite of the loner image we have of John the Baptist. Known by millions from Fixer Upper, a show he and his wife Joanna Gaines co-hosted for 5 seasons, Chip is loved for his goofy antics and sincere support for the people in his life. He is surrounded by people, and that’s the way he prefers it.

However, an experience he had at a large flea market called Round Top would cause him to question his fame and the motives of the people around him. While enjoying an afternoon browsing the booths of different vendors, somebody noticed Chip and asked him for an autograph. It wasn’t long before he had a group of people pushing in around him.

During this whole exchange, his young son disappeared. Chip became a little worried, and tried to disengage from the group of people to look for his son. No one in the group was present enough to the situation to acknowledge that something was wrong. No one pulled Chip aside and volunteered to help him find his son. They only saw Chip as an icon, a commodity, not as a human being with real feelings and real concerns.

Chip found his son, but the experience scarred him. It would eventually cause him to withdraw into his family for a time, while seriously questioning his notoriety and life choices. Soon he would step away from Fixer Upper at a time that many would consider the apex of a bright career.

When Chip was in high school, long before the Magnolia fame, he made it his mission to connect with the various groups of kids outside of the kids he normally associated with. What drove this was a genuine curiosity. Why did the goth kids prefer to dress in black? What was it about math that really got the smart kids excited?

Reaching across the aisle to other groups fostered something within Chip that would grow and stick with him throughout his life. He needed to connect with other people. It energized him to do so. It was part of his DNA. Without this connection, he wasn’t fully living as who he was meant to be.

This truth proved itself even greater after the Round Top experience. Withdrawing and making himself available only to those closest to him, Chip realized he had lost something important, something integral to his core being. He needed to be connected to others in a real and meaningful way. Without those connections he wasn’t living wholly.

But he wanted to be seen for who he was. And he wanted those connections to be authentic. The superficial notoriety that came with being a celebrity wasn’t fulfilling enough. Neither was focusing solely on his own inner circle. He needed something more.

“He must become greater, and I must become less.”

In a way, perhaps Chip wrestled with this concept as he worked through the experience at Round Top. His struggle with how people interacted with him due to his fame could be similar to what John the Baptist experienced as people came from all over the countryside to marvel at his words.

Are you the Messiah?

Chip just wanted to be seen as he truly was; a father, a husband, a human being.

The path for him to connect with others was still there. He had found it in high school, before life came crashing in. Making it about other people and seeking to understand their story. That’s the lifeline. Something had gotten out of line for Chip. While working on Fixer Upper, his life began to feel more and more scripted. The people around him began to feel more and more like characters in a play. And something inside him was screaming for help.

Finding the path back to true connection was his saving grace. It was the light that allowed him to find his way again, a clear path forward. Now, as Chip has his eyes locked on the future for the Magnolia business, people are at the center of their mission. Telling the stories of other people in a meaningful way.

We may not have the fame and notoriety that Chip Gains has. We may not have a clear mission as intense as John the Baptist. But the experiences they both wrestled with are equally powerful for us and serve as strong lessons, if we choose to listen.

No matter how little our lives may feel, we have the power to impact others in a great way. By taking the focus off ourselves, we can build up the people around us and enrich their lives. And in so doing, our own lives will be full. Our little lives won’t seem so little anymore.

The key to building great relationships is to stop serving our own needs. Ego must be slayed.

They must become greater, we must become less.